How is it possible to feel lonely when you’re married? We’ve known each other for years! I know her likes, her favorite meal, what makes her laugh or even what makes her cry. We have spent countless hours on trips, chatting, dreaming, discovering new sites and meaningful sunsets. How can I be feeling lonely when I’m married? You might be asking yourself a lot of why questions right now.
- Why don’t you go on dates anymore? You loved to go out weekly and sometimes twice, 3 times a week.
2. Why does she always complain about everything you do? It’s like you can’t do anything right.
3. Why does she always bring up past stuff and get mad again?
4. Why doesn’t she laugh for you anymore?
5. Why is it so hard to just be myself around her? I feel like I’m walking on egg shells.
6. Why isn’t my best ever good enough?
7. Why do I feel disconnected from my wife?
You get the Idea. This list can go on and on…
Now let’s take all of those why’s and change the word why with I, and see what kind of husband you would like to be and what kind of marriage you want to create.
- I ask my wife out on dates all the time. We have so much fun together. She is my top priority
2. I think about how my wife must be feeling instead of about me and what I’m not doing. When my wife is complaining, it must mean she’s having a hard time. I have some extra compassion to spare.
3. I know how to forgive her, move on, and leave the past behind. What does being right or better have to do with anything? She’s showing up as best as she can right now and I’m glad she’s right here with me.
4. I love leaving notes for my wife about how much I love and appreciate her. It turns out, I’m pretty romantic.
5. I’m spontaneous and find ways to have fun with my wife. I’m still really good at flirting – who knew?
6. I am enough. I’m trying. I’m going for progress, not perfection. She’s enough too. She’s trying her best too. We can keep trying together.
7. I find ways to connect with my wife throughout the day whether it’s a funny text, a little note, a little massage, an extra long kiss, or even just taking the time to listen to her after a long day. I enjoy just holding her hand and putting my arm around her.
See how why questions take away your power? When you ask why – you feel helpless and hopeless. When you can turn those questions around and think about what you have control over and what you have the power to change, all of the sudden, things seem brighter and more hopeful. Is it harder to live this way – DEFINITELY! But it is worth every effort.
I often hear couples saying that the best time of their relationship is when they were dating or the first part of their marriage, perhaps before kids etc. Definitely there have been some great times, BUT the best time of your marriage is NOW!
Think about it – you have walked, traveled, experienced many amazing things. You’ve been with each other in all the ups and downs. You KNOW each other, you CHOSE each other.
That’s something I’ll never trade in my life. The experiences with my wife and children. Because of them I have a purpose a reason to wake up and be all in to be the better father and husband that I can be.
But you might say well it’s her? If that question comes to mind stop for a moment ask that question from her point of view. Maybe she’s thinking it’s you. Take some time to think about how she may be feeling. That’s key.
If you are aware of how your spouse feels (whether she is right or wrong), you are connecting with her emotionally and spiritually. You are building bridges or even reinforcing them! You know how! You know her – you know her intimately. Use that to build a relationship with her.
You might be in a rough patch with your spouse or you just feel stuck not sure what to do. Maybe everything you’ve tried or haven’t tried has made things worse. Think about what I said at the beginning.
Here’s your challenge:
Write down 5-10 questions starting with why – why this isn’t working well, why you aren’t showing up in your marriage the way you want to, then change those why questions to “I do this… I am this…” kind of statements. Focus on what kind of relationship you want with your wife and become that husband. Don’t think of this as a checklist of things you have to do, but start thinking of the husband you want to be and the relationship you want to have with your wife. Hold on to it.
If you do this OFTEN and keep coming back to it you will not only rekindle the spark in your relationship. It will flourish into a blazing fire. The beautiful thing about YOU is that she said yes. When you asked her out the first time, she said yes! Ask her again.